My Repentence...

So back when I was Mormon (otherwise referred to as Before Heathenism, or BH), whenever I screwed up I would willingly put myself through a series of rigorous, self-deprecating ordeals so that Daddy (otherwise referred to as Heavenly Father, or GOD) wouldn't be mad at me anymore. First I had to feel guilt. The gut wrenching pain of knowing that what I did made Daddy so mad, he was ready to put me in a permanent Time-Out for time and all eternity (otherwise referred to as the Telestial and Terrestrial Kingdoms).

However... there was a way to make Daddy not mad at me anymore! See, Daddy owned a huge corporation and had a ton of workers. In fact he didn't have to do a goddamn thing because all the employees did all the work. Anyways, there were steps that needed to be taken in order to make Daddy proud of me again. First, I had to go talk to one of Daddy's employees in his office.... all alone. He wasn't the big manager or CEO or anything, he was just the supervisor on shift. But I still had to tell him what I did. THEN the supervisor would get really disappointed in me for messing up Daddy's business. This was an important step because it made me feel REALLY guilty. That let me know how mad Daddy really was. But the supervisor told me that I could get back on Daddy's good side again because it said so in the company manual. On top of that, the CEO talked to Daddy (since I wasn't allowed to talk to him directly) and he told the upper management, who told the mid-level management, who told the branch managers, who told the supervisors what we need to do to make my Daddy happy again.

According to the supervisor, I was on the right track and I could move on to the next step. I had to go to my room and telepathically talk to Daddy with my mind and tell him what I did, even though he already knew that I had done it. Then I had to sit and dwell on my guilt until the next Sunday when I got to go to a company meeting. In this weekly meeting, I took the final step in making Daddy happy. The last step was to drink the blood and eat the flesh of a 2000 year old zombie (otherwise known as my big brother) while continuing to dwell on my guilt and promise to never ever ever ever do it again. This final step was offered every week, however, since Daddy knew that we would never be able to keep that promise. And that was it! After that, Daddy was happy again. And if I could just keep those cheerleaders out of my mind and get rid of that bottle of lotion next to my bed.... I might even be able to LIVE with my Daddy!

This was called repentance.

And back in BH days, I would be going through that process this week for what I have done. If you look back at my first post, I sorta left y'all hangin... I said to come back because I would continue the story of my journey. As you can see from the date of that post... I didn't keep my word. That is called breaking a promise (otherwise referred to as a covenant), and that is a sin. But since I discovered that I don't even have a Daddy (aka, a Bastard), I found out a much faster way to repent. Ready? Here it goes.....

Sorry guys. I'll try to do better next time.

Ahhh, that's better. I feel new. I feel reborn. I feel like a devil just got his horns. I also feel like I'll be writing a new post very soon. If not, maybe I'll resort to Zombie blood again.

I say these things in the name of the Zombie....
Amen Bitches.